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September 2006

Hi, my name is Catherine and I hope that you enjoy reading my updates -

Relinquishing Control 

This past month has been so rewarding.

It has been difficult, interesting and self realising. I have come down to my last penny and have been able to smile knowing that my faith and the universal energies will provide me with what I need, when I need it.

I have processed fear in the form of many insecurities. Some of these were deeply seeded and others so subtle that I had not known they were present. An example of these were my control issues.

As my daughters grow they need to make their own mistakes, as hard as it is to watch this. I needed to change my vocabulary in a big way. I would catch myself time and again telling them what to do with statements like "I don't want you to go out tonight because you have a cold." This has been replaced by "Will your cold become worse if you go out tonight?" This is a simple sentence rephrased but it allows the choice for her to make the decision for herself and for me to relinquish control over her actions.

I did not realise how often this was occurring and it became obvious to her when I would correct myself in mid sentence. She sees me changing and admires it, and knows we are at work together on a more equal footing. This process makes life more enjoyable for us both and helps her to live her life and me to live mine. Many mums and dads will go through this process with their teenagers. The secret is taking a back step, guiding them and reminding them there is always a pathway to you regardless of the choices they make.

October 2006

Ongoing Releasement

Work and the continual releasement of self worth issues have been the focus for me this month.

These issues have presented in ways that have created a feeling of un-comfort ability. I will describe this feeling not unlike being trapped in an elevator - not that I have been trapped in an elevator.

My body language changes and I recoil in a sense and my head briefly becomes fussy. If I ignore my inner self the feeling occurs again and again until I say, "OK there's more depth to this than I realise", and the CCC (Carolyn & The Collective Consciousness) point me in the right direction.

 Then a physical releasement occurs which for me has been headache and flu. Despite the fact I have been with these symptoms on and off for one month I have been given the energy to be efficient as I perform the general duties of a single working mum. I have also had my 'ticked off days', but in general I have had a clear head despite my unclear head - if you know what I mean.

 This month had been very much about protecting myself by placing my needs first and foremost. I still have much to learn in this regard as I have always put others before self. I have realised lately that most others I am in contact with put themselves first and how foolish I have been.

I sense a new level of self worth and inner happiness as this new concept of self unfolds.

November 2006

Sharing My Personal Experience

I would like to share the process that I have worked through this past month.......

Excerpt from a post:  ~   My daughter has completely betrayed my trust.

I have negotiated with her with certain curfews, phone time and party time, etc., and she decided to lie to me despite this. I have never been so betrayed by someone I love so much. It is not the same betrayal felt when a partner abuses - it is worse. I thought we were in a really good space but I am dealing with irrational behaviour and I can't take responsibility for her actions what so ever. I did aide and abet by driving her to what I thought was her party destination. I foolishly bought soft drinks and chips and gave her money - HOW STUPID I FEEL.......  ~

Excerpt from another post:  ~   I felt stupid and angry for not listening to my intuition

and taking notice of repetitious thoughts that were occurring in my mind. On some level I may not have wanted to prevent this from happening. I am not happy with the way I behaved when she arrived home because I could not be completely objective. She was incredibly insightful regarding her irrational behaviour however, I made it clear that there would be consequences for her actions. I believe that she is remorseful and I forgive her but I want to be able to rise above this situation and move on.  ~

Objectivity.......

While speaking to CCC I had completed 38% of the lesson of objectivity regarding my daughter's irrational behaviour. I quickly discovered where there was more work to be done.....

I had planned a shopping trip to reconnect with Pariz after we had processed some of our behaviour regarding the incident. I relapsed into my old way of behaving when Pariz bumped into one of the friends she went to Sydney with (without my permission). Feelings of betrayal, deceit and hurt all came flooding back to me. Pariz immediately knew my mood had switched and she pleaded with me not to let this spoil our day. I told her exactly how I felt and that I needed space to work these feelings through on my own (in the middle of the shopping mall). She went one way, I went the other. This assisted me and what generally would have taken me days to process took no more than half an hour. This is still a lengthy amount of time but it is progress and I know that I will be tested again and again until I have done 51%.

Life would be extremely difficult for us both if I had not had this guidance and understanding. I would be asking questions as to where I went wrong. I would be feeling inadequate in dealing with the adolescent clients I counsel and most importantly my relationship with my daughter would suffer greatly. Now I realise that we will have the bond that is predestined because I will be objective toward her irrational behaviour.

A week has passed and now I see my daughter with deep compassion. If it is not hard enough for her to be pretty, witty and bright (our song), she has a personality trait that is irrational and needs to be tempered. Not to mention she is going through adolescence and is also clairvoyant - (this last gift can also be a hindrance at times).

We have become more united through adversity. I have drawn the rune of partnership.......

December 2006

Health To The Forefront

I would like to share an excerpt from my journal regarding 'health'. I have been releasing much this month......

Health.....  ~  I have not appreciated my health as much as I could have.

I have had continual migraines for two weeks and my energy levels are at an extreme low. This has led to researching the foods my body needs in order to find the balance that is right for me. I am not a good patient and I have found this releasing process a hard one. I have tried to keep on top of things and have a positive attitude but at times I have found this very frustrating. I am on holidays and my mind had many things in store to keep myself occupied. I am to rest, rest, rest - constraint, constraint, constraint. My personality has taken a long time to overcome this and I am not through yet. I want to be at my optimum health so that I can perform the tasks needed with the right attitude and at the right time or as inspired as the CCC has indicated. I wish to release the last of these energies so that I can be balanced and my body responds with vibrant health and energy.  ~

I have also created a blocked ear in which I became deaf and the tension in my head was unbearable. I have now released this energy and the experience of this helped me realise that I am becoming older and the body may not function as well. I have been blessed with health my entire life and have abused this blessing at times by not eating well and ignoring the body's messages.

I now appreciate that I need to take care and nurture myself. This is the first time I have consciously made a concerted effort to do so. I am in a frame of mind where I can see the benefits of good health more than ever and a deeper knowing that the releasing process is working its wonders.

   Juniper  

The CCC have asked me to investigate the herb 'Juniper' and what healing properties did I discover?

This wonderful little berry relieves; dyspepsia, nausea, bloating, fullness, abdominal discomfort and pain.

It helps balance the sugar levels in the body; assists with stress and helps relieve skin irritations.

(I am taking two teaspoons in a cup of tea and infusing for fifteen minutes twice daily.)

Juniper Oil

Juniper Oil stimulates the circulation and acts as a blood purifier; it helps reduce sugars in the blood; is indicated in all disorders of the skin and blood.

Externally applied it is useful in the cases of eczema, dermatitis and psoriasis. Its combined properties make it an ideal remedy for skin disorders.

As an antiseptic-astringent it is good for oily skin and helps improve the metabolism process by enhancing the disposal of fatty and toxic fluids (which can cause cellulitis problems). It is helpful in conditions of weakness and fatigue, is antitoxic and highly effective in the treatment of muscular, rheumatic and circulatory problems.

January 2007

Trusting Only Self

The CCC discussed the importance of trusting only self.

I have trusted people all my life and tried to see only good - love everyone and everything good and bad. It is a relief that I don't need to do this any more. The people at work are operating from the brain which at times can be irrational, unpredictable and out right socially malicious. I now can look at this more objectively but be always on the alert and not trust anyone but myself. As The CCC explains we are dealing with the brain of man and this knowing creates objectivity - I am slowly getting it - I am thankful to be over the worst of this important learning.......

I am releasing the energy of thinking everyone is kind and good. My legs are doing their own thing and it feels like bugs are crawling under my skin and having a party. It's very weird and something The CCC said I would be experiencing for some time until I have done the work upon this particular issue. That means there will be more meanies that come my way and I will deal with them as they come.

I will do the work and I will see the reality of life as it is.

February 2007

Dealing With The General Public 

This month has been filled with highs and lows of dealing with the public.

Once upon a time I thought that I should love everyone despite the way they treated me. I would send them love in a visual sense and make excuses for their behaviour. I would suppress my feelings and not acknowledge the truth of what was before me. Thanks to the CCC my eyes are wide open to the reality of the world and not the fantasy I was living in.

The brain has tossed and turned and finally surrendered and come to terms with the fact that I do not need to give my energies to anyone apart from myself and family responsibilities.

Thankfully I have been guided by the CCC who have taken me to a new level of understanding regarding communication and awareness. I have utilised these skills and techniques and have seen the results come to pass. Balancing myself is a process but largely the benefits are now becoming evident and my lack of self worth and false perceptions are fading.

March 2007

Needs Denied

While talking with the CCC it was explained to me that my mother did not care for me.

The energy I was holding was in my toes (as I was never provided with appropriate shoes nor clothing) and money was spent on other items more important than me. This was long ago and it has taken my brain a couple of days to accept and process this idea. The body went into slight shock and I needed to accept my life had been driven trying to prove my worth. I had also passed this condition onto my daughter and for a time she felt that I did not care for her. We have acknowledged and talked through our feelings and I am preparing for the changes that await me.

 The changes that have occurred thus far involve giving too much to my daughters and others. This was appropriate when they were little ones however they are young women now. While talking to Carolyn it was pointed out that I was catering too much to them.

I would collect them from the bus, never make them wait for me; change my plans to suit them, etc., etc., etc. I noticed that it had become increasingly inconvenient for me but I ignored my feelings and was resolved to the fact I needed to do some things that I did not like to do. It is true that some things we need to do that we don't like to do but the pendulum was leaning too far.

I caught myself time and again accommodating other's needs and placing the plans of others before mine. Oh, there are many examples I can see now and it has only been a couple of days since this realization. How wonderfully the brain operates on automatic and thinks it can get away with doing so.

This new realization will allow me more time to contemplate and address my own needs that in the past I have denied. That does not mean neglecting others; it entails a replacement behaviour that is more balanced. This realignment will also model the behaviour that my daughters may choose to follow.

May 2007

My !   How I've Changed !!!!!

Work parties - Excerpt from a post 2006

Well six nasty people can be worse than one hundred if they put their minds to it.

I have never had such a horrible night out with work folk. They did everything in their power to help me feel belittled, ignored and feel like _ _ _ _. I did not allow this to get to me until I was home. I then relived the comments and scenarios of the night. I can handle one on one treatment of this kind but six at once was over whelming to the point of tears. The CCC told me that things will change because to be truthful I did not want to go back to work.

I rang the CCC (before hours) because this incident had got to me. Well the CCC were right and I forgive myself for doubting their guidance. The following day, two of these work folk wished me a good day on separate occasions. They also included me in a joke. I was too shocked to laugh. Their behaviour had turned around and they were being civil.

The second Xmas party that afternoon was the reverse of the first. I walked into the room and the doctor of psychology stood up and wiped his seat and offered it to me. Most people in the room were watching and I acted as if that was the norm.

I also needed to car pool with two ladies on the way home - an hours journey. This is something I dread and they wanted to stop for coffee and shopping on the way home. Yuuuuuk. I do not do coffee or shopping with strangers and rarely with friends. I tried to offer to drive to get out of it..........unsuccessfully......

I survived quiet well however and could even say that it was enjoyable..........

I am really being shown the contrasting characteristics of the mind of man...........

Another Excerpt from a post - Work

I am willing to release the last of the energy of how dare they. I accept I accept I accept that the people at work are B…… and B……. and wont change and never will. I don’t want to be sensitive any more. I want to work and just not be effected by their tiny idiosyncrasies. I want the brain to acquiesce so that I can enjoy my life. I realise the anxiousness of the boys plotting against me and I ask that I be fully protected by the CCC and get through this lesson. I want to be reminded to remind myself to change the self talk and take command.

Current
 
I have reached the point where I am no longer affected by those operating from the brain. An incident at work occurred once again and as quickly as it occurred my thoughts disappeared into another task. I found it hard to stay with the incident and now know that I needed to recall (it) to know and understand that the lesson was overcome. The CCC told me that I would be telling them of the relief I would feel. I feel wonderful - such a freeing energy.  I am aware that additional experiences of the same nature will appear to ensure that I have overcome this aspect of the mind completely ……..and I say to that…………….
                                                 Bring it On!      

July 2007

Control Issues 

Excerpt from a post 2007 - I am using control again and i am not sure where ................

As I type I am hoping that it will come to me. It is with family but I do need to be in command of them and this is different to control as has been explained. This is a fine line and obviously I am fine tuning my behaviour.  Ummmm............. I don't want my daughter to go out with an old boyfriend as I see this as a step backwards - I need to accept this is out of my control and she will learn one way or the other by the choices she makes. I will hold on for the ride!

 

Another issue that has been annoying me is that I have had to be quite abrupt and rude of late. This is not my personality but I have been given certain words and energy's in situations that I know to be correct      ...............    but  frankly I feel like a BITCH!

One more to add - I don't want to wish my brothers partner a happy birthday. I made the mistake of buying a birthday cake on a separate occasion because I was caught off guard. I don't want to have contact with any one who has continually harmed us in the past. I am not sure what action to take...........

I have received the rune Harvest............. meaning that in taking the right action I will see the long term benefits down the track ...........

Since this post I have continued to let go of the energies of control - not an easy task but one that will enable me to be more supportive to my daughters as I become more objective. I am an observer in the decisions and dramas they create - always the protector and supporter for them to learn the skills they will soon need when they are independent. This process has released me from the stress I once experienced and I can allow them to live their lives as desired.

I have also not relied on runes or other oracles and I am living life and permitting the dramas to come and go ...........an easier method of dealing with the many stressors that life presents...........I feel exceedingly more peaceful............

October 2007

October Update

I have been living life and feel I don’t have very much to contribute to the update.

Life has been busy, busy, busy. I am less stressed than I have ever been before. I work, sleep and play and rarely have time to sit and reflect. Working full time, studying full time and running a family full time is ……………what people must call leading a full life…….

I like it ………I like it a lot!

 

The work that I have done in the past with the CCC has enabled me to live life in this manner. I know what to say and I am free to say it …..I am not always liked and I now laugh at not being liked. I can make mistakes and not beat myself up over them. I can plough through an enormous amount of work and accomplish what was needed.

 

I am playing the game, secure in myself that life is meant to be good ……. and it is!

December 2007

December Update

Excerpt from my last post:

I have been in a horrible state and whilst in that state I neglect myself and the importance of processing by post.

I awoke this morning and was inspired to set straight for the computer after giving 'Lucy' (our dog) breakfast. I have been in this state of mind and asking for it to pass by processing mentally however, I had briefly forgotten that journaling for me is key to the last stages of processing.

I have been told I am a writer and this writer cannot string two sentences together. The thought of submitting an essay, receiving results and five years of pressure scares the life out of me.

I have commenced a degree at uni and I feel totally incompetent and my mental state has remained that way until speaking with the CCC. I have a way to go (3 weeks so they say) and I am ready to have this resolved.................patience. 

I have four assignments and two exams in eight weeks and will finish the degree when I'm 120 years old. I need to focus on the 'day' and not the entirety of the course. The internet is driving me crazy and I have spent hours arguing and disputing its intelligence without a response.

I have had good uni results in the past however, if these results don't continue my mind will think I am a failure and entertain itself for hours with that thought.

At the moment I am the mother from hell and my daughters are supporting me in the ways they know how. That being; giving me the advise I give them! How the tables turn!

The switch will be flicked on this by Xmas according to the CCC and that will be a present to behold............. a deep breath indicates I am finished and I will have a cheerier note the next post round.  

March 2008

2008

I have just read the last post and yyyyyyyyyuk.................

I was in a state......my attitude has changed since and I have finished the exams and assignments and survived the ordeal. I am not completely confident but my approach to Uni is so so different now and yes it did take until Xmas and boy did we enjoy it (Xmas that is).

Wow Xmas seems so long ago - it's almost March. I have had weekly contact with the CCC and changes are happening so rapidly I have temporarily forgotten all the releasements I have been through. I'll start with the one I am in now and that is the empty nest syndrome. I'm lonely, and feel that  life has been noisy, busy, smelly. full, emotional, sad and hugely happy for 18 years and now it has all vanished. I am in limbo. It is the strangest feeling - I really like my own company however coming home to one smiling girl (Lucy the Pug) is very different from three.

I had better explain -

I packed the youngest daughter up and moved her to NEGGS in Armidale three weeks ago to commence Yr 11 studies. It was the hardest experience I have faced; allowing her to be guided by people I didn't know and completely letting go of all tentacles of control. I had faith that it was in her life plan and she is already deeply appreciative and has settled in.  Wow every time I think about ...well  it was huge. I knew that many of the people would not be the same as our close family and one could attune to families that just wanted to dump their children; I found that really sad - there was something missing in their gazes.

So on releasing I went...........and then

The eldest daughter received a number of scholarships as a result of a UAI and commenced a double degree in law and politics last weekend. I moved her into the Uni campus and waved another sad goodbye.

So on releasing I go...........